


volcanic

by scroobitz



Category: Half life vr ai but the ai is sentient
Genre: Borderline Personality Disorder, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26137351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scroobitz/pseuds/scroobitz
Summary: vent ficthe world weighs heavy when you made such horrible mistakes.
Relationships: Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Kudos: 63





	volcanic

NOTES  
im writing this at 2:30am on mobile no proofreading. sorry if it seems out of character im a fictive its actually not oops NZNCNGNDJCN this is mainly me venting abt bpd and the tags wont work correctly as i am on mobile so for the moment theyre bare as hell. my writing style is best suited for poetry so this is a bit out of my comfort zone! but i need the practice. if you are triggered by mental health episodes please be safe.

It doesn't matter how long it's been. It never will. It's been months now but the same thoughts still plague him.

'Why would he ever forgive you?'

'He only feels bad that you're alone.'

'One day he's going to realize how little you mean.'

'He's going to leave you.'

'You're alone.'

Alone.

Benrey was alone. Gordon was working, actually providing for the makeshift family. Joshua was at school, still two more hours until Josh would be home. It wasn't so bad usually. Benrey would just relax in the little living room, watch videos. Alone. The loneliness wasn't overbearing. Not for the first five months. By the time Gordon got home he was so tired. He barely had time for Benrey which... that was fine right? He should just be satisfied Gordon can even love him but... it's not enough. Not enough, never enough.

Selfish. 

Benrey was so selfish. So selfish, motivated by his own selfishness. Who else would be unsatisfied with this life? Surely he must be selfish to not be happy on his sweethearts love alone, right? 

Benrey almost killed everyone. All of them. Really, what did he do to deserve to be loved? Why is it that every night Gordon would greet his sleepy love with a peck on the forehead and a "Goodnight beautiful," and carry Benrey to their bedroom Why. Why. What did he do to have this angel fall for him. All he does is hurt. Why doesn't Gordon hate him, why doesn't Gordon scream and yell and shoot. What did he do to deserve someone so heavenly.

Gordon was still asleep. Benrey was still sitting on the bed, just watching his beloved. He's so beautiful. Benrey avoided the word perfect, he was still working through that unhealthy language. Idolizing Gordon to such an extent would be wrong. But he really is beautiful. His hair splayed across the pillow, silver rivers among the brown land- Gordon was a work of art. Benrey was a piece of trash compared to him. What was Gordon thinking letting Benrey stay with him? He doesn't need Gordon's pity. Pity. The word was like venom in Benrey's mind. He needed to go.

He looked like shit. Thick hair practically flying, bags under his eyes. The shirt stained and raggedy, obviously his own. He didn't belong here. It really felt like everything was trying to hurt him. One stab at him after another. Next he'd see some sick reminder of his atrocities at this rate.

The small corridor was luckily thin enough to navigate. There wasn't much room to fuck up, it's small enough him and Gordon can't walk side my side. But wouldn't you know it, as if Benrey hadn't suffered enough. The universe's little punching bag gravitated towards the black hole, so small an unsuspecting. 

A sticker.

'Really, is that all it takes? Are you really that pathetic?'

Oh but he supposes he is as he bites down hard on his hand, holding back tears. A little sticker, so similar to the one Tommy slapped on his helmet one lunch break. A few colors slip out, nothing decipherable, but no noise. No noise, no noise. Thank fuck. He can't let Gordon see. Gordon can't know Gordon is too good for this he doesn't deserve all of this. He deserves so better then someone so fucking weak. Fuck he's so angry why... why is Benrey so angry? 

Before he knows it he's tugging at the shitty sofa trying to tear it apart, rip and tear, he needs to destroy something. Anything. Kill, hurt, mutilate, destroy, it all comes spilling out and yet he's still too afraid to make a noise. Only a few seconds pass before he realizes what he's doing so he takes his fury to the bathroom. Slams the light switch and revels in disgust. He's even worse looking in the light. He's tempted to punch the mirror but it would upset Gordon so much. He's recovered so much you know. So instead he takes to biting and scratching, what else to do with all this rage? 

Color spills from his mouth like a bucket being dumped. It rises to the top and overflows through the door, a technicolor bath bomb filling the room with pure emotion. It only makes him angrier. So weak. He can't even keep his petty ass emotions inside. Everyone gas to know how Benrey feels, if Benrey's okay. It's all Benrey Benrey Benrey but does anyone really fucking care? Or are they just making sure the next disaster doesn't come raining down on them like Pompeii. 

He'll make sure there's never a disaster again.

Spare Tommy and Gordon and Bubby and Coomer and Darnold and Forzen and fucking everyone.

Maybe he wants to be the hero this time.

Maybe he only wants to hurt one person.

There's a noise in the background, a voice he doesn't hear. All he hears his the thrumming of his headache, the pounding of his heartbeat on his pulse. He's still holding his breath, still not making a sound.

Rip and tear.

As quietly as he can he searches. He doesn't know the cabinets well, he barely brushes his own teeth. 

He's desperate and so he settles. He sits on the covered toilet with some scissors in hand. He doesn't even hear his own name or the knocking on the door, too infatuated with his own wrist. The colors kept pouring as the tears started up again. What was stopping him? Why can't he do this little thing? How can he hurt and attempt to kill but he can't even take a dull blade to his wrist.

And the volcano erupts.

A hand in his mouth again to hold back the scream about to explode from within him, the color turns to a crimson. It almost looks like blood. It's funny how he still cares about volume as he throws the scissors into the wall. A distinct crack can be heard and Benrey's muffled cries only become louder.

It's all so dramatic, isn't it. Gordon begging Benrey to open the door and Benrey just sitting there. How theatric, how... unrealistic.


End file.
